Did you raise your hand? I’m guessing a lot of you did, because asking for help is challenging. In fact, effective asking is problematic for many women I know. Believe me, I know all the reasons — I’ve used them myself. Not sure I’m talking to you? Here are some examples:
- It takes more time to ask for help than to just do it myself.
- It’s too hard to ask for help.
- Ugh, it’s always such a fight or negotiation. Just not worth it.
- No matter what, I never seem to have my ask understood. It’s embarrassing.
- Better yet, not having the askee even realize I’m asking for something!
- Getting a yes to request, but then there’s no follow through, and I’m uncomfortable with “hounding” someone. How can I follow up well?
- I help people all the time and it really triggers me when help is not reciprocated. I take it personally, and I rather not go down that road.
Can you relate? Frankly, I had to cut myself off, my list of examples could go on and on.
There really isn’t a reason to keep going though, since underlying all the reasons is fear. The biggest barrier to asking for what you want is fear. It’s fear of rejection, fear that we will be perceived as less than or inadequate by others, fear that we’ll consider ourselves a loser, fear that we can’t handle it all. Despite our efforts to portray a fully-together veneer, fear plays a key role.
Also at play here, like a flipside of a coin, is an inability to receive. This issue is also rooted in fear. So many women I know and work with have their internal soundtrack on repeat, telling themselves they need to handle it all, and that any dropped ball is some kind of negative personal reflection. This results, of course, in an inability to receive help, even when it’s been offered.
Pro-tip: The best and brightest know when they need help, know how to ask for help, and also know how to receive it with grace and dignity. Possessing this super power of Asking and Receiving is in fact a strength, not a failing.
At its core, this like the airplane oxygen mask thing: You simply can not be at your best, or even normal, if you’re tapped out. I propose that part of self-care is not only asking for more help and support but also being able to receive it when it comes your way. What are some things you’ve been wanting more of in your life but haven’t been able to receive?
sherwinkirbygallego 